I have recently been facing a growing dilemma. It has lurked for months but its growth has accelerated lately, reaching the brink this week.
As my knowledge and loyalty to myself and my feelings has rapidly developed, I have become so aware that the sector in which I am currently earning money does not seem to fit with these feelings. But it has been particularly burdensome for me working in the charity sector, because as my motivation has declined, my sense of guilt has increased as I have become more and more aware of the impact of my decreasing motivation.
I chose this week to begin talking about it more openly with colleagues, and coincidentally it is this week that one of my managers chose to approach me. These conversations have been entirely open, genuine and helpful conversations that have done much to lift the weight that has been bearing upon me. One particularly poignant highlight came as my manager and I ’compared notes’ to find that we had both previously concluded my heart is not in this role, a moment that only confirmed that feeling.
Only the next day I approached my other manager, at another but essentially identical role and told him my concerns. He had also been sensing a problem and was kind, understanding and hugely supportive in listening to me.
What has begun emerging from these conversations, which I wanted to share, is the real problem that had been developing.
As I had been growing in awareness that this field no longer provided me with satisfaction, I had also been becoming concerned with how continuing in the field defined me. I had unconsciously been worrying that the consequences of being seen in these roles and to be perceived as passionate and capable, would only draw me in to deeper involvement in this field. I had determined that this field was a different direction than those I feel compelled towards. I was concerned that I was powerless to be as I feel within this field, a field which I had determined in its entirety was no longer of relevance to me.
But in conversation with my managers, it was expressed that perhaps I had become too involved in the content, the product that I am dealing with. In a field that is wholly focused on an improvement to emotional and physical health of others, I was ironically not being selfish enough.
So it seems some reframing is required. It is not about the content that I am delivering, it is about the skills I am developing. Perhaps one should not even go as far as to decide whether the skills are relevant to ones dreams and aspirations, because dreams can transform as one develops. But of utmost importance it appears to be about whether I am enjoying developing these skills.
It is not enough to feel passion or simply be interested in a topic, there must be opportunities for personal development and growth that can be satisfying and rewarding to oneself, regardless of the field in which these emerge. It seems the real challenge, and indeed the ultimate question is whether one can continue to find these challenges within one’s current field.
If the answer is no, then perhaps there are only two conclusions: One can learn to work hard and keep searching for fulfilling opportunites despite doubts and disillusionment, in the hope that this in itself will be a useful skill later in life. Or otherwise, one can conclude that it is time to move on.
Because it is only when one is feeling adequately fulfilled that one can produce work with the greatest potential to change the world. One has to start with oneself.
